So I freaked my buddy Margaret Sally out with my post about labor. While I was replying via email, I received an email from a friend with kids the same age as mine (talk about perfect timing!!). I thought it was hilarious and thought you might get a kick out of it too.
Here is the email:
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Assuming you pass all of these tests, you should be ready for kids. Operative word in that sentence is "should," because you just never know what you're goin' to get!
Don't worry, I told Margaret Sally that once you see that little face, you forget all about the pain. I didn't forward the email to her, but I'm sure she'll read it here and be truly mortified.
Margaret Sally, If you are still afraid to go through the whole labor thing, there's always babysitting! :o)
3 comments:
These are hilarious! The sad part is I can totally relate to them. LOL
Oh don't get me wrong. I still want kids - even with the stories from yesterday and the stuff from today....but its the whole being in labor for 93 1/2 hours and attempting to push out a watermelon sized living being and what? it won't fit? so let me slice you open, sling your guts all over the place and then pull out a baby.
My sister in law had a 10 pounder and a 10 pound and 6 ouncer. If that didn't scare me, nothing will.
I've read something similar to this before, but it still cracks me up. ... if 'non-mothers' only knew.... ;)
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